FROM LAYING DOWN THE LAW TO LEFT OUT OF THE LOOP!
SUPPORT OR SABOTAGE?
THE ROLE OF DADS WHEN RAISING A CHILD WITH AD/HD!
Being a father of a child with AD/HD can challenge everything you ever thought you knew!
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“He’s just a chip off the old block!”
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“‘Follow in your father’s footsteps…”
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“He’s just got to learn!”
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“You gotta show ’em who’s boss!”
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“You just want to medicate him so you don’t have to deal with him!“
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“Don’t label him!“
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“Boys will be boys!”
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“AD/HD is just an excuse!“
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“Never let ’em see you sweat!”
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“Men wear the pants in the family!“
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“Don’t baby him!”
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“Don’t worry; all girls are spacey at this age! She’s just boy crazy!
After you discovered your son peeling wallpaper off the wall in the dining room, were you and your wife arguing with each other about how each of you handled it, while your child was now in the basement, rolling golf balls into the drain in the floor?
Where We Left Off at Our Last Meeting, January 17th:
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“DID THEY END UP HOLDING THE MEETING FOR DADS, WITH ALL OF THE WEATHER CANCELLATIONS ?”
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“DID I MISS GETTING TO SEE THE “FATHER TO FATHER” VIDEO?
The weather got icy, just before our meeting! St. Luke’s had even canceled their choir rehearsal that night! Fortunately, however, we did meet, because these weren’t just any dads, these were CHADD DADS!!! What parents won’t do for their children!
We had never specifically invited dads, before, and can now say we obviously didn’t know what we were missing! It was a real meeting of the minds! Each had something special to offer the group.
One CHADD dad spoke about not wanting his son to think of himself as defective, which is why he really likes Thom Hartmann’s book, A Hunter in a Farmer’s World. He explained that in primitive times, when people used to have to hunt for food, AD/HD characteristics helped people survive…always scanning the horizon, never content to stay in one place, wanting to know what lies ahead… It wasn’t until we started farming and living in communities that we had to learn how to cooperate.
Another dad, who stays home while his wife works, said he was glad his son was diagnosed so he could get an IEP. The Hunter asked what an IEP was, which the others explained.
The importance of giving children focused attention, time with just you, was brought up. The Hunter explained the difference between being assertive and aggressive and demonstrated how using reflective listening and I-messages can help a parent calm a child down, instead of escalating a situation and turning it into a power struggle with a get tough approach.
That dads and moms play different roles, and each needs to have their own kind of relationship with their child, was discussed.
Kids not wanting to take their meds was another topic. Someone who had been on stimulants, himself, explained that his son could tell when he was on his meds because he said he would seem detached. He wanted the group to know that just because kids don’t want to take their pills doesn’t mean they’re just being stubborn and don’t have a legitimate reason. Another commented that after trying everything else, and you see meds work, and you finally see your child feel successful, you wonder why you waited so long!
Two dads commented on how hard it is to be on duty all day every day, and that every parent needs to have some time to call their own, to do whatever they want. The stay at home dad says he enjoys taking care of his farm animals for an hour and a half every day! [So “not working” can be harder than “working…?”]
He also talked about teaching his son to hunt, and had him take the hunter safety courses, but then his son kept leaving the duck blind! [I guess that dad is a hunter and a farmer!]
I brought up that Russell Barkley says that if he were going to choose someone to go hunting with, that someone with AD/HD would not be his first choice!
They all planned to return!
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February 21st, 2012 :
“FATHER TO FATHER”
We decided to save the video, “Father to Father,” to watch at our next meeting, Frbruary, 21st, when, hopefully, more dads will be able to join us–and mothers! “Father to Father,” is directed by Chris Dendy who is a world renowned author and speaker on AD/HD. Her husband and three other dads will talk about raising their children. Quotes from fathers in the video:
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“Why did you do your homework but didn’t turn it in? Now you got a zero!”
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“What do you mean he isn’t mature enough to go to kindergarten?!”
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“Our school did a great job of trying to make you turn on your kid.”
Lots of issues are discussed in the video, that provide perspective from a dad’s point of view:
Meds, Power Struggles, Differences in Symptoms, What Helped, The Importance of Relationship, The Danger of the 9th Grade! Differences in Parenting Styles, Discipline, Consequences, You’ve Gotta Let Go, Don’t Argue in Front of the Kids, Approach It Together-Even if Differently, Homework, Advice, Strengths, Strong Points, Blind Spots, We’re In This for the Duration, Stay on Their Side, Whose Problem Is It? Pick Your Battles, Attempted Suicide, Self Esteem, “What’s the Hurry?”
It’s too bad we didn’t video tape our discussion, though, and made our own video!
The video will be followed by an interactive discussion.
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